literature

Never Rescue a Princess Whilst Drunk

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Never try to rescue a princess whilst you’re drunk, especially if the princess happens to be living in a dragon lair in the middle of a forest.

Of course, it had seemed like a good idea at the time; Sir Duncan and the other knights had plied themselves with many victory beers upon his successful Quest of the Golden Rooster at the pub, The Green Fairy. Sir Duncan boasted about fighting an ogre and stealing some magic mushrooms, which may or may not have happened. Then Sir Gaston slapped him on the shoulder and declared it was a shame that such a fantastic hero could not get a beautiful princess to marry him! Teetering on his bar stool, Sir Duncan then proclaimed that he would find the most beautiful wife in the kingdom!

Everyone laughed heartily and continued eating and drinking. Sir Duncan carefully climbed down his stool and plowed straight into the barkeeper’s wife. She had a pugish face and a wart near her eye. Sir Duncan jumped back in surprise.

“Ho! You look similar to that ogre I fought today!” he declared to raucous laughter. “Are you at all related to him?”

What the barkeeper’s wife lacked in looks she made up for in cunning.

“No sire.” She poured him another beer. “Perchance I hear tell that you are looking a beautiful princess to marry, hmm?”

“Yes but not you,” he said.

“Oh no, I wasn’t referring to myself,” she said. “There’s a princess hidden in a lair in the middle of Lockley Forest. I hear she is the most beautiful princess in the whole kingdom! But a fearsome dragon is keeping her there. Rescue her and you will have a beautiful wife. But you must rescue her at night time whilst the dragon is fast asleep!”

“It’s a quest!” Sir Gaston shouted across the bar. “Another quest!”

Sir Duncan swayed on the spot. He didn’t really want to go on another quest right now, he had just got back from the last one. He was about to say so when the barkeeper’s wife added, “The dragon also keeps a mountain of gold and other valuable treasures beyond your imagination. Slay the dragon and you’ll be richer than the king!”

That did the trick. Sir Duncan took one last “Drink of Courage” and announced that he would be back in a moment with a beautiful wife and staggered to the stables. Fortunately his trusty steed Favro had already been saddled and he clambered into the stirrups whilst the two stable boys debated whether it was safe for him to ride and if anything went wrong whether they’d be held accountable or not.

Favro was the smartest, bravest most loyal horse in the whole kingdom. Had he been a more faint-hearted and less intelligent horse, he might have taken Sir Duncan home and they would have avoided this adventure altogether. But since he was the smartest and bravest horse throughout the land, he managed to arrive at the dragon’s lair despite the fact that Favro had never been there before, despite the fact that he couldn’t see or read a map and despite the fact that Sir Duncan was quite incapacitated and Favro had to carefully balance him on his back to make sure he didn’t fall off. He gave an impatient whinny upon arrival.

“Are we there yet?” Sir Duncan started. He stared at the large cave opening ahead of him. “Oh right, time to get a wife I suppose.”

Sir Duncan toppled off Favro with a clang, lit up a torch and dragged himself to the cave. Pillows of warm air that smelled a lot like wood fire barbeque wafted into his face. It was good that he was on a quest for a dragon instead of dwarf – the cave was dry, wide and large; at no point did he have to crawl or stoop to fit in. If he had been sober enough to notice, the walls were sooty with dried blood dribbling down the path. There were bits of broken glass, wood and cloth along the way. Finally he twisted round a corner and came across the belly of the cave.

The first thing he saw was the dark glittery scaly behind of the dragon. This was quite fortunate, as he had not thought to extinguish his torch in the face of danger and the dragon still hadn’t seen him. He then realized he neglected to bring his torch snuffer and there had been no sudden inconspicuous wind to have put out his torch prior to the face of doom. He waved the torch around, hoping for a convenient bucket of water. Instead, his torch caught on some overhanging cloths instead and they lit rapidly, illuminating the cave and catching dragon’s attention.

The dragon whirled around, slapping Sir Duncan in the face with his tail. Sir Duncan fell over into a pile of cooking utensils. Why on earth did the dragon have cooking utensils? What kind of self-respecting dragon had cooking utensils? Sir Duncan grabbed a frying pan and prepared to meet his doom.

The dragon was fairly big but not the size of a castle. If Sir Duncan had to guess, maybe the size of a merchant’s cart. It also looked incredibly annoyed. Sir Duncan smacked him in the face with his frying pan and the dragon roared with pain, shooting fire in the wrong direction and holding a claw to his snout. Sir Duncan staggered out of the way.

“Prepare to die you vile beast!” Sir Duncan shouted. The line was a bit clichéd and overused but it was still good. He unsheathed his sword and was about to bring it on the dragon’s neck when –

Thunk! His sword embedded itself in a round well-worn wooden shield that had suddenly gotten in the way. The shield pushed back. If Sir Duncan had been sober and less surprised he would have easily pushed back. As it was, the shield succeeded in pushing him into some broken wooden debris.

“How dare you attack the Great Night Dragon!” the shield shouted. It lowered itself to reveal the face of a beautiful blond blue-eyed girl. Finally! At least something in this quest had gone right; it would have been just embarrassing if she were ugly. Still, there was something wrong with this picture...

Right. He was supposed to be rescuing the princess from the dragon; not having the dragon rescued by her from him! She snatched the nearest cooking utensil, a wooden spoon, and began thwacking him with it. Against her awe-inspiring breathtaking beauty and petite frame, Sir Duncan was defenceless.

“Hold on a moment, you daft woman!” he protested. “I’m supposed to be rescuing you!”

The princess was so surprised by this notion she stopped attacking him. “What from?”

Sir Duncan pointed at the dragon that was still rubbing his nose and glaring at him. “From that.”

The princess gave him an incredulous look. “Why?”

“So you can stop putting up with this dreadful beast and come live with me!”

She looked blankly between him and the dragon. “What’s the difference?”

Even though drunk Sir Duncan could tell she would have been a meddlesome wife to deal with. She was too much trouble. “Look, if I can’t marry a beautiful princess out of this, can I at least have some gold or rubies or something? It’s already embarrassing enough I have to return to The Green Fairy without a princess, could I at least have something to show for it?”

She bestowed upon him her wooden spoon.

“I meant something valuable.”

“That is valuable! Do you know how hard it was to get by in the wilderness without a spoon?”

“Where are all the treasures? Crowns, gems, jewellery – that sort of thing.”

“What would a dragon need treasure for? The Night Dragon is just a hoarder. I’ve been meaning to try and get him to throw some of this stuff out. You’re welcome to take some if you like.”

Sir Duncan bristled. “No thank you my good lady, I wish you good day.”

Daylight was now peaking through the cave so he could show himself out. Favro had seated himself on the ground and was waiting patiently. He gave Sir Duncan a telepathic look: So, how’d it go?

Sir Duncan showed him his wooden spoon. Favro snorted and he and Sir Duncan set off for an anticlimactic journey. To top off the morning, hangover was beginning to set in and he felt quite queasy.

Moral of the story: Never try to rescue a princess whilst drunk.

For the Fairytale contest: irrevocablefate.deviantart.com…

Wish me luck! Could I also please have constructive criticism? Feel free to point anything out. I'll admit I wrote this at the last minute (Been working way too much overtime at work).
© 2015 - 2024 Charlene-Art
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cold-lantern's avatar
"Sir Duncan grabbed a frying pan and prepared to meet his doom." I love it! :D Favro is my favourite character and I'll try and remember the moral.